What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 06:00
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why do narcissists devour so much sugar (candy, ice cream, donuts, etc., in huge amounts at a time)?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
What is a narcissist grandmother like, with her grandchild?
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It was going to be , some day.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im still living with it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She wouldn,t have been !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it wasn’t much.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When she asked me how she looked .
We were not on the streets..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My family never makes their pension either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was 9 years of age.
This is soul school!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So whats the point in blame.
Would this be the day?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ive learnt so much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot live in the past .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I waited trembling.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But, we were locked up after school.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
I was very sick at this time too.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i lived it daily.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We all went to grammer schools
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My life is so biszare .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.